a hard hump day
i grew up so that i have to face
why not take a chance on me

it's pretty cold these days. i never thought there would be such cold in this city since i've been his home. so i wear my nice chocolate and the yarn hat, glove and scarf, which make me looks like a moving chocolate ball. I can hardly remember the past when i was at school. it's so long for me. maybe it seems i have already worked for years or i was being working all the time. i want a bicycle, but not here.

 

i disappeared almost for the whole weekend, and i found the world around me have changed when i was back. the orange daisy depended on the cold wall, Suffocated according to the cold air and water less. something has happened and something has changed, but no tell. beautiful things i owned is pretty few, that i cannot feel any hope. i woke up drunk on sky , and then fell asleep again, the life is repeating the courses. my orange daisy is being death.

it's my birthday today, 23 and half. i almost forget the day of that so i did nothing for myself. a burst day and a gloomy day, with a complicated start. i exploded me to a stranger and burst. unfolding a memory bag, it's the very what i want. happy birth to me. happy birthday to my 23 and half.

i gave me a gift for my weekend, a chrysanthemum( i hate the word) as usual. i haven't recieved any flowers for a real long time so i did, and i had to. it's a long time, and i don't know how long it is. everywhere i've been these days, i couldn't feel my feel. i just walked walked talked and drinked. i couldn't read, i couldn't think any more. i made my money in the count, then collect it when anything need it again. but i'm not happy. i don't like the office, i don't like the keyboard, i don't like the software anymore. the pity salary cannot comfort me any more. so! i have to do something for myself only. the flower is a start.

there must be something wrong in my life but i just don't know. there must be something should be changed but i didn't. self-confidence and self-respect were distroied totally. i don't know why pretty more sensitive i am, so that tears cannot control by myself. so long, firm of mine. it seems forever ago.

i dreamed of you this week. it seemed real even not as a dream. i met Lao Wang, met Si and many senior classmates, all of us were in a classroom i had never been there. and the gather is for seeing you off. we sit between somebody, Lao Wang teared when she wrote something down on the blackboard. i didn't wanna cry, i didn't think it's the time to split. and then, we took hand to get train ticket-- you would get off by flight from other city and you never bought a ticket by yourself. it was the first time we take hand i can remember. though such several years past, we never touch each other's body. i never cry. in the whole dream and after awake. the dark hold me. it was still in dark night. it's not in dream, everyone knew you were gone but never told me it's not a real goodbye, i knew.

i'm wondering how can i cook as an artist. it was always A fight in kitchen every time. fire, water, vegetable, oil.... i cannot control the matters. it's a detail in life. it's some trouble of ability. or even it's not a big deal. i love cook for somebody. but i hate the fighting in kitchen. to learn lonely is a sign of maturity. so i am studying exercise patience.

dreamed these days. some slides i cannot forget and most of that i cannot remember. most likely complicated. we laied on a bed and watched some match, and then, put a thumb print on certificate. it was a bright house and i cannot remember the face who be with me but i knew who she are. i wondered why is "her" but not "him". after then, took pictures for somebody on a beach, while waiting for a high wave. woke up and recollected the every detail, it was the beginning of the last day this weekend. but i knew i wonder it very much. it is not only a wish, it is a thing long expected. almost i cannot wait for any one more minute, how much i expect. miracle didn't come yet in past time. the waiting is still, strong and despair.

triangular 7! lucky 7 today and i fell in both hit sun shine and a heavy rain. i love the sun above cloud and the rain under the sun. it's the first summer without holiday. it's the first time i face my work seriously. it is in a house all the time. i stand by the door and look in. i'm not wondering in anymore. but i have to. i don't like, don't like, don't like. if the lie would turn to truth after repeating for three times, it does is the truth. try to trill.　

got some stomachache and something else so i quit from work earlier today, and missed the lessons tonight either. what a really sunny day and rainy inside of my body. woke up on 3:58 morning for the damn stomach. is it important of my work so that i have to be in office every morning? yes i'm afraid it is. a horrible answer totally. hurt. terrible hurt inside. spend the left time on Friends. it makes me forget the real life sometimes. and then i'll continued on my way tomorrow, it's still: work work and rest. boried. i prefer sick all the time.

i lost my favoriest umbrella. it's all my fault. it rained whole day and never would stop any more still the night. i washed all stuffs i can see, rings, ear-rings, necklace...and some forgotten surprised to me. so quiet outside but the only feeling is that drops falling down leaves. it seems to me, washing is a big thing in such a weekend. summer. sun seems to goof off. there is only one catch. i cannot go out with i to anywhere. i regret i doubt i think off. wear a ring from memories, emanating soft lights, and, damned, it's gold. i lost lost it. it should be mine but i have not catch it. it doesn't work though did such heavy washing. still rain outside, indeed.

i yelled loudly and no answer to me. indeed i'm afraid the word of 'love', so most of time i dodge. i'm not young yet, though sometimes was naive when thinking. dream never died or i had no dream neither. i must open a gate, by passive if necessary. there must be something wrong between the world and i, there must be something difference between the past and future. it's a beginning's end which was a long word to say. talking without speaking out, enjoying withour any sound, i wonder. but, the inside dialog drowned out what someone was trying to tell me, not my reading only. actually i cannot read my heart. it's hard to say. it's hard to say. i must be there wherever you are, i will miss you whenever i do.